Getting Ready to Go

I'm going to Kentucky this week! Woot woot! Sad story is that my brother is going on a mission and this will be the last I'll see of him for two years.

Okay, okay, a mission is a good thing. Yes, he should be going. Yes, it's a blessing that he's worthy and able to serve. Yes, he's serving the Lord.

But what about me? How the heck am I going to survive the next two years without him? I can hardly survive now and I can call him anytime. The sad thing is I don't call him all the time.

I'm realizing that living far away from home has made it harder to go home and spend time with my family. My family is not so readily accessible. I haven't come to grips with that idea. Kudos to missionaries who deal with it for two years. I suppose I'll have to deal with it for two years in the opposite way.

It's also kind of sad that I didn't feel so devastated when my other brothers left for their missions. I suppose I felt more secure in where my life was going at those times. Now it's uncharted territory with a new job and new opportunities. I would like very much to get married sometime in the next two years too, which means that my brother will not be at my wedding. That is not fun to think about.

I've seriously bawled several times in the last week as I prepare to drive to Kentucky. I haven't cried like this in years.

Have you ever felt completely alone and desperate for a deeper connection than you have with the people around you? Have you ever had to call home everyday just to get a glimpse of that feeling of wholeness? I can relate. This is how I've felt for the last couple months.

No one likes to read a sob story or a personal slam on oneself. I just had to record this. I'm going to take pictures of my visit with him. I'm going to post them on here afterward and have a more positive attitude.

beck

Caroline, or Change

I can't get the lyrics out of my head from a song called "Lot's Wife" from the musical Caroline, or Change.

The musical is set in 1963 in Lake Charles, Louisiana, during the Civil Rights movement, around the time of the assasination of JFK.

Caroline Thibodeaux is a black maid for a Southern Jewish family, the Gellmans. The Gellmans' young son, Noah, is enamored of Caroline, a woman resistant to the sweep of change she sees around her. Their friendship has intensified since his mother's death. Noah's new stepmother Rose, unable to give Caroline a raise, enlists Caroline's help in a plan to teach Noah a lesson about leaving change in his pants pocket (since Caroline does the family's laundry as part of her duties). Rose tells Noah and Caroline that Caroline should keep the money Noah leaves in his pockets. Caroline loathes taking money from a child – but her own children desperately need food, clothing and shoes.

The punishment goes awry when a $20 bill goes missing, and Caroline's relationship with Noah suffers a painful breakdown, causing a rift between her family and the Gellmans. With the death of JFK and the inspirational speeches of Martin Luther King, the tide of change begins to affect Caroline's life, and she must come to terms with racial turmoil and the end of segregation.

Sixteen feet below seas level
Caught tween the devil and the muddy brown sea...
That money...
That money...
That money reach in and spin me about,
my hate rise up, rip my inside out.

My madness rise up in a fury so wild and I let myself go.
Spoke my hate to a child.
Pennies done that.
Pennies done that.

Pocket change...
Pocket change change me,
pocket change change me,
can't afford loose change,
can't afford change,
changin's a danger for a woman like me,
trapped tween the Devil and the muddy brown sea.

I got to get back to the way that I been
God! Drag me back to that basement again.

Don't know what I said to that little boy...
Always they's been people who hold they head high gettin through.
I cain't, Aint never been no good,
findin joy the way you should,
hopin water turn to wine - hope's fine
hope's fine
hope's fine -til it turn to mud.

And some folks goes to school at nights,
some folks march for civil rights.
I don't.
I ain't got the heart, I can't hardly read.

Some folks do all kinds of things and
black folks someday live like kings
and someday sunshine shine all day
oh sure it true
it be that way
but not for me

This also true:
ya'll can't do what I can do
ya'll strong but you ain't strong like me:
I'm gonna slam that iron down on my heart
gonna slam that iron down on my throat
gonna slam that iron down on my sex
gonna slam it
slam it
slam it
down until I drown the fire out till there ain't no air left anywhere.

What else
what else
what else
What else God
What else God give me an arm for?
SLAM go the iron
SLAM go the iron
FLAT!
FLAT!
FLAT!
FLAT!
Now how 'bout that then?
That what Caroline can do!
That how she re-arrange herself,
that how she change!

Murder me God down in that basement,
murder my dreams so I stop wantin,
murder my hope of him returnin,
strangle the pride that make me crazy!
Make me forget so I stop grievin.
Scour my skin till I stop feelin.

Take Caroline away cause I cain't be her,
take her away I cain't afford her.
Tear out my heart
Strangle my soul
Turn me to salt
A pillar of salt
a broken stone and then...Caroline.
Caroline.
From the evil she done, Lord,
set her free
set her free
set me free.

Don't let my sorrow
Make evil of me.

I really want to see this show someday.

beck

Dance Your Cares Away

I love dancing. I love how it makes my body feel alive and useful. When I'm dancing, it's not the music that sings to my soul, it's the movement of my body--the music just helps.

I went salsa dancing tonight at a fun little place called Lucky Bar near Dupont Circle on Connecticut Ave. I danced through several songs with the same partner. His name is Leo and he's from Guatemala. He wasn't the best leader, but then again, I don't really know what I'm doing when it comes to salsa--I have to be able to follow someone. But we danced close and our bodies moved together pretty well. It was amusing and I laughed and smiled the whole time.

I can count on one hand the times I've gone out salsa dancing. I can usually follow pretty well, but it still becomes tiresome to me when I'm re-learning the steps every time. All I can think of to do is go more often. I think then I'd enjoy it more. I realize that I'm quite the contradiction, because I'm determined to go more often but when I do, I always end up leaving early because I hope that I'll come back soon. So many resolutions and so little time to enact them. I guess I don't have enough time to be tired and do all the things I want to do while I'm still young. So...I'm going dancing again soon.

I also have an idea to teach dance lessons to girls in the Church. On Thursday, I was talking with one of the pupils at DC 3rd Ward tutoring. She wants to take a real ballet class. I'm not sure if money or if it's simply timing that is keeping her from taking class, but I think many girls in the ward or maybe even in the stake would be more likely to take lessons if it was free. I would do it for free as long as we have a space to do it. I'm not a pro, but I could at least get them started. I'm going to have to scope out the resources of the members. Hopefully I'll be able to enact something. I want the young girls to be able to love dance as I did in my youth.

beck

Dites-moi

I've become a little obsessed with South Pacific recently. I'm not sure why, though I know Brian Stokes Mitchell helped start it. It's raised thoughts on many issues--some personal and some that are quite intriguing. I've included the lyrics from some of the songs--all sung by Brian Stokes Mitchell's role, of course.

I've been thinking of how some people can love so deeply and be so optimistic and then, after so much buildup, are setting themselves up for inevitable heartbreak. The heartbreak is so scary to me. I suppose I am not the optimist for this reason--they can love without any bounds.

I've also been thinking of how race is an issue that has been fought for a long time. It's funny how Obama is seen as someone who has broken racial lines. Perhaps he has, but it only emphasizes how much we, as Americans still care about the color of peoples' skin. I suppose I'm no exception. I see other skin colors and I'm more drawn to them because they're different. It's not exactly a negative thing, but it's shows how race is still recognized. As long as people are able to distinguish skin colors, race will be an issue. At some point, it'd be really great if we all got rid of that one chip for race that's on our shoulders. None of my favorite songs even mention race, but when I think of South Pacific now, I can't help but think of these racial issues.

And lastly, I've been thinking of how life can be so beautiful in its simplicity. Maybe I think too much and am too critical and analytical. I like reasons and I like to be able to explain things in a logical way. But I'm trying to see things a little more simply. I'm trying to see how beautiful and happy life can be with love. As my favorite four liverpudlians say, "All you need is love." I wish it's something that someone could tell me and I'd just implement, but change doesn't come that easily. I'll try to be more optimistic about it though the idea still scares me.

Dites-moi

Dites-moi pourqoui la vie est belle
Dites-moi pourqoui la vie est gaie
Dites-moi pourqoui chere mademoiselle
Est-ce que parce que vous m'aimez?

This Nearly Was Mine

One dream in my heart,
One love to be livin' for,
One love to be livin' for
This nearly was mine.

One girl for my dream,
One partner in paradise,
This promise of paradise
This nearly was mine.

Close to my heart she came
Only to fly away,
Only to fly as day
flies from moonlight

Now, now I'm alone,
Still dreamin' of paradise,
Still sayin' that paradise
Once nearly was mine.

I'll keep rememberin' kisses
From lips I've never owned,
And all that lovely adventures
That we have never known.

One dream in my heart,
One love to be livin' for,
One love to be livin' for
This nearly was mine.

Close to my heart she came
Only to fly away,
Only to fly as day
flies from moonlight.

Now, now I'm alone,
Still a-dreamin' of paradise,
Still sayin' that paradise
Once nearly was mine!

Some Enchanted Evening

Some enchanted evening
You may see a stranger,
you may see a stranger
Across a crowded room

And somehow you know,
You know even then
That somewhere you'll see her
Again and again.

Some enchanted evening
Someone may be laughin',
You may hear her laughin'
Across a crowded room

And night after night,
As strange as it seems
The sound of her laughter
Will sing in your dreams.

Who can explain it?
Who can tell you why?
Fools give you reasons,
Wise men never try.

Some enchanted evening
When you find your true love,
When you feel her call you
Across a crowded room,

Then fly to her side,
And make her your own
Or all through your life you
May dream all alone.

Once you have found her,
Never let her go.

Once you have found her,
Never let her go!

--all by the amazing Oscar Hammerstein

beck

I'm in love! I'm in love! And I don't care who knows it!

Oh my goodness. I have to tell this story and then if anyone ever reads this, you should go to the following link and watch the concert.

First thing you should know is I love the Kennedy Center and everything that happens there. It's so beautiful and amazing to me. Sometimes I have a hard time controlling how many shows I see there and I probably spend too much money on tickets. I made a resolution to try to avoid the Kennedy Center for the next few months with the exception of seeing a few shows necessary shows. The other thing you should know is that I'm in love with Brian Stokes Mitchell. This fall probably happened during the Carnegie Hall concert version of South Pacific as I watched and listened to him impersonate an optimistic French plantation owner. That said, now I can begin the story.

A few weeks ago, when I was finding myself bored out of my mind and too often stranded in Fairfax, Virginia, a friend invited me to see the Limon Dance Company perform at the Kennedy Center. I was super excited to do something social and very relieved that someone else invited me to go to a show at the Kennedy Center. It gave me a good excuse to go. I should have known what would happen, but I just didn't see it coming. I loved the show! The choreography and the style was a little unexpected. It was much more muscular and controlled than I had seen in many modern dance concerts in the last several years. I got hooked and went home and searched for upcoming shows that I could go see.

As soon as the webpage loaded, I saw the name "Brian Stokes Mitchell" flash across the screen. Brian Stokes Mitchell at the KC?! There is no way I would miss that performance. I clicked the link that took me to more info. He would be performing at a Millenium Stage concert. I thought that it was bizarre for him to perform at a free concert since he is such a big name. Then I read the other names of the performers: Stephen Schwarz, Liz Callaway, Jeanine Tesori, Flaherty & Ahrens, Frankel & Korie and other Broadway stars. This was too good to be true--all these stars at a free concert.

Well, it was true. And I went at 3pm last Saturday to wait in line for my free ticket to the concert. There were hundreds of people waiting. The KC was smart enough to hold the concert in the Opera House to please the masses. The host introduced the concert as a living room concert that a writer might hold in his home. The stage looked like a songwriter's living room with couches and a grand piano. Each songwriter or lyricist came on stage and talked about their past work and current efforts. Then either the songwriter or an accomplished artist would perform a piece. I really liked the song "Lot's Wife" sung by Adriane Lenox. I was waiting patiently for Brian Stokes Mitchell. He was 12th out of 13 acts. The last act listed in the program was the University of Maryland students singing Stephen Schwarz's "For Good" from Wicked.

After two glorious hours of free insight and wonderful music from these artists' lives, the host announced the last song, "For Good." The University of Maryland singers walked on stage to sing. But Brian Stokes Mitchell hadn't come out yet! The concert wasn't supposed to go as long as it did. I wondered if maybe he had to leave early. I became upset at the host for asking so many questions and talking so much. I had built up the excitement so much that the disappointment was breaking my heart. Brian Stokes Mitchell was the only reason I wanted to come in the first place. The concert meant absolutely nothing without him singing. I was so upset that my eyes were watering a bit. I almost stood up to leave, because I had already heard the University of Maryland sing "For Good" at a free concert several months before--and they were not very good. I stayed to be polite.

They finished singing. Thank goodness. The host announced, "And we have one last song for you to close the evening." I realized then that the entire audience had felt the same way I did when I felt an almost audible release of tension as Brian Stokes Mitchell walked on stage. I thought my heart was broken just moments before and then it melted. I even cried a little bit, because I was so happy. He talked for a minute about the incredible song, "Wheels of a Dream" which was written by Flaherty and Ahrens, who were sitting right behind him on a couch. Then...he sang. In seconds his mild talking voice morphed into a huge melody that filled the entire house. His presence is so genuine and capitvating. It was incredible. The concert was amazing. Two and half hours of goodness! So, that's all. I love my life.

http://www.kennedy-center.org/calendar/kc_video_dyn.cfm?encoded=http%3A%2F%2Fplay%2Erbn%2Ecom%2F%3Furl%3Dkennedy%2Fkennedyg2%2Fg2demand%2F01312009%5F1800%5FOPH%2Erm%26amp%3Bproto%3Drtsp&header_image=header_mil_video.gif

beck