Friends again

I back dated this entry. I wasn't quite ready to update when it happened. On Sunday Emerson and I ended whatever romantic relationship we had. I'm actually relieved, because it was a heavy burden on my mind and my attitude over the last couple weeks.

Long distance relationships are tough. Thankfully, Emerson and I both realize that. Our relationship needed a compromise and neither one of use was willing to give what we needed to make it work.

So we're back to before or as best we can go back to before. We're friends and I hope we will be for a long time.

beck

Let's talk about feelings

Emerson and I are mutually interested--not dating, not in a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. Let me explain. He says we can't call it dating since we are in two different states and therefore unable to date. We aren't boyfriend-girlfriend because I still want to be able to go out with other guys at this point. This has run me into a problem: he wants me to talk about my feelings about him and our relationship.

What is this? Since when are guys the ones who want to talk about feelings? Since when have they wanted to "define the relationship"? When I've tried to talk about my feelings with guys, it turns sour. But I suppose since mine and Em's so-called relationship began about two years ago, I can understand why he would be a little more interested in defining what it is that we are doing now. I just can't seem to describe what it is that I want out of the relationship.

I know of two Carlson family traits that are apparent in many of our family members. The first is our stubborness. The second is our inability to talk about how we feel (this might be a recessive gene). We suffer silently. We show very limited romantic affection. Love and affection is most often show through giving food.

So when Emerson wants me to vocalize my thoughts and feelings, I find myself at a loss. I don't know where to begin. I've tried to imagine movie lines or quotes, but those are impossible for me to duplicate because it makes it all seem even more cheesey and unrealistic. Expressing my feelings make me feel weak and vulnerable--which I'm sure is common for most people despite any family traits.

As I've sat in many awkward silences with Emerson over the past week, I've tried to conjure up any combination of words that can describe what I'm feeling. The closest I've come (and Em can attest to this) is when I described the situation--not my feelings.

I feel like things with Em feel nice and comfortable. He is a genuinely caring and considerate person. Sometimes I feel like things are too easy when we're together and then it's so easy to forget that when we're apart. When I talk to him, my mood immediately changes for the better. And we can talk easily about anything--except for my feelings, of course.

These are all things that were still true when we were just friends. Now that we're more than friends, I would expect a different sort of excitement about our relationship. It hasn't come. Perhaps I am too logical and since being together is near impossible at the moment, I can't be excited about our relationship. But I can't convince myself of that either. I want to like him in a way where I can't wait to see him again. I want to be excited when he calls or texts to tell me he's thinking about me. Why can't I reciprocate his feelings?!

I feel like the ball is in my court once again and I don't want to play. Shall I deflate the ball? Pass it on to someone else? Or pass it back to Em so we can see how far we can go? I don't want to waste his time or feelings on me if my feet will be dragging the whole time. Maybe I should decide to just be all in and really give it a try. It will take some bravery...and humility...and maybe a few more awkward silences as I try to describe my feelings to him. And this just makes for another adventure in my life. C'est la vie!


beck

A little of this and that

The song in my head for the moment is "Coming Out of the Dark" by Gloria Estefan. It is dedicated to my dear roommate Sara Muse, whom has sadly left our apartment to search out opportunities outside of DC. We sang this together as we were trying to figure out the next steps in her life and mine. So inspiring. I loved watching the youtube video where she is given a standing ovation just for being there--for making it as far as she did. She couldn't have done it without the love and support of her loved ones.

Why be afraid if I'm not alone
Though life is never easy the rest in unkown
Up to now for me its been hands against stone
Spent each and every moment
Searching for what to believe

Coming out of the dark,
I finally see the light now
Its shinning on me
Coming out of the dark,
I know the love that saved me
You're sharing with me

Starting again is part of the plan
And Ill be so much stronger holding your hand
Step by step Ill make it through I know I can
It may not make it easier but I have felt you
Near all the way

Coming out of the dark,
I finally see the light now
Its shinning on me
Coming out of the dark,
I know the love that saved me
You're sharing with me

Forever, forever I stand on the rock of your love
Forever Ill stand on the rock
Forever, forever I stand on the rock of your love
Love is all it takes, no matter what we face

Coming out of the dark,
I finally see the light now
Its shinning on me
Coming out of the dark,
I know the love that saved me
You're sharing with me


The story in my head at the moment happened last Thursday--or maybe Wednesday. I was going to meet one of my international visitors and his interpreter. I had planned to meet them outside of one of their meetings right before lunch time. The meeting was at Dupont Circle, so I planned in time to walk there from my office, drop off the material, grab some food and then head back. Well, plans changed and I ended up waiting for a half hour in the building when he had actually already left. At the time I was not aware that he was already heading for a different part of town. At the time I was trying to be patient and somehow managed to start a conversation with one of the security guards for the building. We talked about where we were from, how long we'd been in DC, where we had lived and where we would like to live. He is from El Salvador. He has lived in Bethesda close to where I live now. He doesn't like it when the first and second floor building tenants complain about the air, because it is always women complaining about it being too hot or too cold--everyday. It amused me to hear him talk about it, because to me it sounded typical of older women who are probably going through menopause with hot flashes, etc.--it was only women complaining. I didn't tell him this though. He told me how he'd like to go to California and he has some friends there, but is expensive and far. Sometime he will go out west. I hope he does. I hope that he does what he sets out to do. His name is Camilo.

The goal that I am interested in setting has to do with work and my career. I'd like to set a time frame for how long I'll be working where I am and goals on what I need to learn and accomplish before that time. I'm forced, according to my contract, to complete a three month self-evaluation within the next few weeks. The evaluation will help give me more direction on what I should accomplish while working at IIE. I'm also realizing as I'm struggling to do my taxes at the last minute and running out of time to give my friend help on his translation for publishing, that I need to make better use of my time. It's more and more precious--especially the moments when I'm not at work.

beck

Cherry Blossoms!

It's my first Spring in DC and I have to admit that the Cherry Blossoms are beautiful. I'm glad that people make such a big deal about it. I visited last Saturday with my roommate Sara and took a total of two photos before my camera died. Then I went back on Sunday afternoon after the afternoon session of General Conference. Dama and George were kind of enough to join me. The following pictures are from our short trip downtown.

Dama posing in front of the Washington Monument

Dama and George posing in front of the Lincoln Memorial. George doesn't smile much.

The first try...

Me trying to understand what Dama was doing

And a winner!
This one was just pretty.
George...looking very happy in his pretty-colored shirt
Dama posing...he doesn't like it when I don't count lol
Dama and George...tough guys in front of pink blossoms. I think they were trying to maintain some manhood
All together now!
Me getting angry at Dama
Much better!
Dama upset that I didn't count.
Dama Dama Dama

Still not readyFinally!

So it was good times in DC...as always.

beck

Sometimes He Lets It Rain...and Pour

So I always think, and usually talk, through song lyrics and movie lines. My sister reminded me of this song last week and it's been replaying in my mind over and over--as songs usually do until I find a new song to obssess over.

"Sometimes He Lets It Rain"

She sees the storm clouds gather: the sky is turning cold and gray
She knows that something's coming when she starts to feel this way
She pleads for intervention but heaven offers no relief
But she would understand if she could only see

That sometimes He lets it rain
He lets the fierce winds blow
Sometimes it takes a storm to lead a heart where it can grow
He can move mountains of grief and oceans of pain
But sometimes He lets it rain

And when her heart surrenders to the master in control
Her spirit learns the lessons of the tempest in her soul
When it's no longer raging she can see how far she's come
Through the wisdom and the mercy of the Son

Sometimes He lets it rain
He lets the fierce winds blow
Sometimes it takes a storm to lead a heart where it can grow
He can move mountains of grief and oceans of pain
But sometimes He lets it rain

There is no joy without the pain
Sometimes He has to let it rain.


I cannot say that I myself have ever faced any grave adversity in my life. While my family and friends have had issues, my trials have been in how other people's adversity affects my own life. So when I think of the song, "Sometimes He Lets It Rain," all I can think of is how my friends and family are suffering through their storms. The empathatic feelings easily bring me to tears. My own storms are quiet, concealed and hidden. I can see the storms of my friends and family and yet I cannot prevent them. It is always out of my hands. I can only make choices for myself and I certainly cannot live someone else's life. My capacity is limited to whatever influence I can be. I am determined to be an influence for good--the kind of friend who is supportive and inspirational.

I've also been reflecting on my calling in the ward. I selfishly wanted one of the callings where you could do a little and get by. I was just called as the Ward Employment Specialist and I'm already finding that the little I've been trying to get by with is not even close to satisfying the needs of the ward. I received the following quote today and it helped me to see a new perspective on man's need for work and the severity of the unemployment problems. From President Gordon B. Hinckley:

“A man out of work is of special moment to the Church, because deprived of his inheritance, he is on trial as Job was on trial – for his integrity. As days lengthen into weeks, and even months of adversity, the hurt grows deeper and he is sorely tempted to ‘curse God and die’. Continued economic dependence breaks him. It humiliates him if he is strong. Spoils him if he is weak. Sensitive or calloused, despondent or indifferent, rebellious or resigned – either way he is threatened with spiritual ruin; for the dole is an evil and idleness a curse. He soon becomes a seedbed of discontent, wrong thinking, alien beliefs. The Church cannot hope to save a man on Sunday if during the week it is a complacent witness to the crucifixion of his soul.”

If this man is of special moment to the Church, he is certainly of special moment to me. I need to be better and I know I can be. I have tried to find joy by helping myself and it never works. I need to serve others. We all need to serve each other and not ourselves. I am only part of the solution, but I can help to be the change that we need. Omg I just used an Obama slogan...the world might just be coming to an end.

beck

Internationals

I am really enjoying my job--and that's a good thing. It's a little more challenging than I had anticipated. I thought that since I was an intern I had a pretty good idea of the tasks I'd be doing as an associate. It turns out that the tasks are only a small part. As an associate, you take ownership of a project, which requires a lot of communication as well as responsibility to problem solve when things don't go as planned. Today I got to give an "exit interview" for one our visitors and it gave a new perspective to the programs that I prepare. I love being able to meet with them and discuss their interests. Sometimes I wish that I could host them at my apartment, have them over to dinner, or something more social with them so I could get a chance to talk with them and get to know them. Tonight would have been a great night to go out and do something with one of our visitors. This is something I'll have to think about for the future.

beck

DC after Kentucky

So I lied and I didn't take any pictures in Kentucky--at least not of people. I spent right close to 36 hours in Kentucky and I had a marvelous time. I drank Ale81, saw the Louisville temple, watched a movie in bed, ate at Outback, played with beautiful twin boys and had a home-cooked Kentucky meal. I didn't cry at all! (until the drive back to DC)

Last Friday night, I barely made it into Lexington before 2am. But my brother was so sweet and stayed up to greet me. We were both pretty tired, but he stayed up and we talked and laughed for about an hour before finally going to sleep. That was my last alone time with him. All the rest of the weekend we were with other people--still fun though I had to share him. I'm so glad to have that memory. I can't wait for him to report, because that just means he'll be home sooner. :)

beck