Let's talk about feelings

Emerson and I are mutually interested--not dating, not in a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. Let me explain. He says we can't call it dating since we are in two different states and therefore unable to date. We aren't boyfriend-girlfriend because I still want to be able to go out with other guys at this point. This has run me into a problem: he wants me to talk about my feelings about him and our relationship.

What is this? Since when are guys the ones who want to talk about feelings? Since when have they wanted to "define the relationship"? When I've tried to talk about my feelings with guys, it turns sour. But I suppose since mine and Em's so-called relationship began about two years ago, I can understand why he would be a little more interested in defining what it is that we are doing now. I just can't seem to describe what it is that I want out of the relationship.

I know of two Carlson family traits that are apparent in many of our family members. The first is our stubborness. The second is our inability to talk about how we feel (this might be a recessive gene). We suffer silently. We show very limited romantic affection. Love and affection is most often show through giving food.

So when Emerson wants me to vocalize my thoughts and feelings, I find myself at a loss. I don't know where to begin. I've tried to imagine movie lines or quotes, but those are impossible for me to duplicate because it makes it all seem even more cheesey and unrealistic. Expressing my feelings make me feel weak and vulnerable--which I'm sure is common for most people despite any family traits.

As I've sat in many awkward silences with Emerson over the past week, I've tried to conjure up any combination of words that can describe what I'm feeling. The closest I've come (and Em can attest to this) is when I described the situation--not my feelings.

I feel like things with Em feel nice and comfortable. He is a genuinely caring and considerate person. Sometimes I feel like things are too easy when we're together and then it's so easy to forget that when we're apart. When I talk to him, my mood immediately changes for the better. And we can talk easily about anything--except for my feelings, of course.

These are all things that were still true when we were just friends. Now that we're more than friends, I would expect a different sort of excitement about our relationship. It hasn't come. Perhaps I am too logical and since being together is near impossible at the moment, I can't be excited about our relationship. But I can't convince myself of that either. I want to like him in a way where I can't wait to see him again. I want to be excited when he calls or texts to tell me he's thinking about me. Why can't I reciprocate his feelings?!

I feel like the ball is in my court once again and I don't want to play. Shall I deflate the ball? Pass it on to someone else? Or pass it back to Em so we can see how far we can go? I don't want to waste his time or feelings on me if my feet will be dragging the whole time. Maybe I should decide to just be all in and really give it a try. It will take some bravery...and humility...and maybe a few more awkward silences as I try to describe my feelings to him. And this just makes for another adventure in my life. C'est la vie!


beck